Post school or daycare meltdowns: When the body finally lets go and what to do about it

We are only a few weeks into Term 1 and there’s one theme keeps surfacing in my conversations with parents. The after-school or after-kinder unravel. Sometimes the drop is immediate at pick up. Other times it shows up later, during dinner, bath time, or just as you are trying to get everyone to bed. If this is happening in your home, you are not alone and there is a very real reason why this is happening.

Here are some of my insights, and practical ways to support this tender, often misunderstood part of the day.

Expect the Drop, Don’t Be Surprised by It

One of the most common things parents say to me is, “The teacher says they had a great day… so why are they falling apart with me?” It can feel confusing and, if I’m honest, sometimes a little defeating. But what if this moment is not misbehaviour at all?

Many children are holding their bodies tightly all day at kinder or school. They are listening, sitting upright, filtering noise, managing friendships, following rules and trying to get things right. Even children who appear relaxed are often working incredibly hard internally. Their muscles are braced, their breathing is shallow, their attention is stretched across multiple demands. For some children, especially those who are neurodivergent, highly sensitive, compliant or perfectionistic, this effort is enormous.

By the time school finishes, their nervous system has been “on” for hours. When they see you, their safe person, the body finally says, “I can stop now.” That is the drop. The tears, the shouting, the refusal to move, the explosion over something small - this is often release, not defiance. It is the nervous system coming down from a sustained state of alert. As Dr Stephen Porges explains in the polyvagal theory, our nervous system is constantly scanning for safety. When children feel pressure to cope, perform or behave, their bodies mobilise to meet that demand. Once the demand lifts, the body discharges.

Understanding this changes everything. It shifts us from “Why are you doing this?” to “Your body must be exhausted.”

Regulate Through the Body First

When children are overloaded, talking is rarely helpful in the first few minutes. Their thinking brain is tired. Questions can feel like one more demand. Even kind questions such as “How was your day?” can tip an already stretched nervous system further. This is where we return to the body.

Food can be regulation. A simple snack at the gate is not indulgent, it is nervous system support. Chewing and sucking can calm the nervous system. A drink through a straw, something crunchy, something predictable. Before conversation, before correction, before homework. Sensory integration is foundational to behaviour and learning. When the body is disorganised, everything else becomes harder. After school, many children are simply disorganised from the sheer load of the day. Supporting the body first is not permissive parenting; it is informed parenting.

Reduce Demands During the Highest Load Window

There is often a small but powerful shift that can happen in the first 30 to 60 minutes after kinder, daycare or school. Not forever, just during the window of highest load. This might mean carrying their bag without comment. Offering a piggy back to the car. Holding back on immediate questions. Delaying homework. Letting them change clothes and decompress before expecting conversation. Setting up one of their favourite activities to engage in. This is not about lowering expectations long term. It is about recognising capacity in the moment. When a nervous system is overloaded, more demands increase stress. When it feels supported, it can recover.

Connection first. Demands later.

Create a Predictable Landing Routine

Children relax when they know what happens next. Predictability signals safety to the nervous system. It does not need to be rigid, but it does need to be familiar. A simple rhythm such as pick up, snack, quiet time, movement, then the rest of the afternoon can create a sense of containment. The child does not have to wonder what is coming. Their body can begin to settle.

Safety is not just about affection; it is about structure that feels steady and reliable.

Bigger Body Release After Rest

Once some fuel and quiet have happened, many children benefit from bigger body movement. Jumping, pushing, carrying, climbing, running, hanging. Heavy work through the muscles - what we call proprioceptive input - is deeply organising for many children. It helps the body feel grounded and contained. This is not a behaviour strategy. It is nervous system care.

When we understand that behaviour sits on top of physiology, we stop trying to reason with a body that simply needs to move.

Masking and Holding It Together

For many neurodivergent children, there is another layer to the after-school or kinder meltdown: masking. Some children use extraordinary energy trying to look “fine” at school. They copy social cues, suppress impulses, hide confusion, manage overwhelm quietly. This takes stamina. Home is often where the mask comes off. Meltdowns upon return home can mean your child trusts you enough to show the real cost of their day. That does not make it easy to absorb. But it does reframe the meaning. The explosion is not proof you are doing something wrong; sometimes it is proof you are safe.

The Parent Nervous System Matters

You do not have to be perfectly calm. That is neither realistic nor necessary. But your nervous system is the anchor in the storm. Allan Schore’s work reminds us that children regulate in relationship. They borrow our steadiness. Not perfection, but steadiness. If your body is already at breaking point, the after-school or kinder meltdown can feel overwhelming. This is why I speak about parents going first. Not in a blaming way. Not because parents are the problem. But because your regulation shapes the environment your child’s nervous system lands into. Your tone, your pace, your body - they communicate safety before your words ever do.

Repair Matters More Than Getting It Right

Even with all of this understanding, there will be messy afternoons. Voices will rise. Doors will slam. Screens will stay on longer than you would like. You may react in ways you wish you hadn’t. What matters most is not flawless regulation. It is repair. Later, when everyone is calmer, you might sit beside your child and say, “That was hard for both of us.” Or, “I’m sorry I snapped. I was overwhelmed too.” These moments build resilience. It is the return that strengthens the bond. These moments hopefully help us to reflect and make small adjustments to our routines so we can try to do better next time..

A final thought

Post kinder or school meltdowns are not a sign of parenting failure. They are nervous system moments. When we expect the meltdown instead of being shocked by it, when we support the body before the behaviour, when we soften demands during the highest load window, and when we prioritise repair after the hard bits, home can begin to feel steadier.

Every family is different. There is no single “right” routine. What works beautifully in one home may not fit another. But if this part of the day feels heavy in your house, sometimes it is not about doing more, it is about stepping back, reflecting gently, and making a few small, thoughtful adjustments. Often, that is all it takes to shift the tone of the afternoon.

And if you would value a space to think this through together, to look at your child, your nervous system, and your home rhythm with fresh eyes, I am always here for that conversation.